*This post contains sensitive information about pregnancy loss and miscarriage
Flashback to 2020. Mike and I decided that we were ready to start a family. I had already started taking prenatal vitamins, cut out alcohol and caffeine, and really focused on being the best I could be for pregnancy. I even bought an ovulation kit to start tracking my cycles. I had been on birth control for so long, (which, looking back, I really wish I could change) and I knew it would be helpful to start tracking once I became regular. Thankfully, I did pretty soon after stopping. I made an appointment with my new doctor, and she ran standard labs (iron, blood sugar, blood pressure, etc.) and everything was “in range.”
In August of 2020, I had missed my period by one day and I had a feeling I was pregnant. I took the test, and it was positive! It was such a surreal moment. While Mike was at work, I jumped for joy and celebrated this amazing miracle on my own. But how to tell him? His birthday was a few days away and I decided I would give him an early birthday present. I wrapped the pregnancy test in some gift tissue and placed it into an REI bag. The next day when he was home, I gave him his early birthday gift. He was so excited but definitely in shock! We hugged and kissed and couldn’t believe we were going to be parents.
I have a tendency to like to be over-prepared for everything, so I immediately called my OB to make an appointment. At this point, I was only 4 or 5 weeks pregnant. They set up my first appointment for when I was 6 weeks pregnant. The time came and I went to Kaiser for my appointment. At this time, I was still very into a more natural or holistic approach to medicine but thought I would go through my insurance/Kaiser for everything and hoped they would honor my wishes. I arrived at my appointment and waited 20 or so minutes to be seen. When it was finally my turn, I was walked to my room and given a gown and was told they would be back shortly.
After they came back, I was weighed and asked a few generic questions. Then they said the doctor would be in shortly. After a brief wait, the doctor came in, and told me right away I was due for a pap smear. That was done and then she went over her bullet point list of what not to do during pregnancy. I was told to avoid BPA plastics, alcohol, limit caffeine, and was given the usual information about what foods to avoid. They asked if I was on a prenatal vitamin and when I said yes left it at that. You’d think they would want to know which one and give recommendations but that didn’t happen. She then did a transvaginal ultrasound and I got to see our tiny baby for the first time. I was then told I needed to do my labs/blood work and gestational diabetes test asap. I had previously asked about that test and if there were other options (as I knew the test contained some sketchy ingredients) and my question was quickly dismissed with “It’s just sugar water” and that is the only thing you can do. Very disappointing to hear and I knew there were more options available.
The doctor quickly asked if I had any questions and I asked about light spotting. I was told this was normal and part of early pregnancy and then the doctor was on her way. Overall, I was with the doctor for maybe 5-6 minutes. It felt so rushed, impersonal and was overall not a great experience. I went down to the lab and got my lab work done and refused the diabetes test, for now, telling them I would do it at a later time.
A trip to the emergency room
Over the next week, I continued to have light spotting- Which I was also told could happen because of the pap smear. A few more days went on and it kept occurring. I felt like something was wrong and called the Kaiser nurse hotline one evening. I explained to the nurse what was happening and was told if I have any cramping or heavy bleeding to go into Kaiser right away, but I could wait a day or two to see what happened. I hung up the phone and then received a call back from the nurse ten minutes later. She told me she made a mistake and I needed to go into the emergency room now to make sure everything was okay. At this point, it was around 10pm. Mike was working, and I still had not told any of our family that I was pregnant. I got dressed and headed over to the hospital. Thankfully, Mike works in the area as a police officer and was able to take some time to meet me at the hospital. At this time, they really weren’t letting extra visitors in because of COVID, but they made an exception. After waiting about 20 minutes, they led us to a room and took all of my vitals. The doctor came in and I explained what had happened. They decided to do some blood work, an ultrasound, and a cervical check. The doctor left the room, and a very nice nurse came to take a few blood samples. We then were walked over to the ultrasound room. She did an ultrasound and checked my ovaries and everything to make sure everything looked okay. This was the first time Mike got to see the baby, and the first time we heard a heartbeat. Everything looked normal.
We got back to the room and the doctor did a cervical exam and again, everything looked normal. I was given a paper and told I may have a miscarriage, or everything may be okay. They just didn’t know. We left the hospital uncertain, and I was honestly pretty shaken up and unsure of how to process that news we just received. Mike went back to work, and I went home and watched a movie to keep myself distracted. The next few days the spotting seemed to stop, and everything seemed okay. We decided we would tell our parents the next week.
Something just isn’t right
Over the next week, we told each of our parents and my siblings and they were all thrilled. We were all so excited and couldn’t wait to welcome a baby to the family. I had my next appointment scheduled for 11 weeks as I was doing the genetic screening. I went to my appointment (alone because no partners were allowed due to COVID) and was so incredibly nervous. I still felt uneasy, and I was scared to go to the ultrasound. I can’t explain it but I felt like something may be wrong. I got to the room with one technician, and she began the ultrasound. She then asked, ” How far along did you say you were?” I told her 11 weeks and she nodded. She told me she would be right back. At this point, I knew something was wrong. A second technician came in the room and said she was there to help because sometimes the machines can be a little finicky. Another red flag. I then asked I could see the monitor and was told “Oh no, we don’t show the patients because the doctor has to review things with you.” And again, another red flag. At this point, my mind was racing, and I was feeling a pit in my stomach. They finished the ultrasound, and I was told the doctor would call with the results. The other technician then stepped in and said “No, you will actually be seeing the doctor now.” Now I really knew something was very wrong. I left and went back to the waiting room and proceeded to wait 30 minutes. The whole time I was trying to control my nerves, my hands were shaking I was sweating, and I felt like I wanted to be sick.
My name is finally called, and I am directed to my room. The door is left open, and I hear the doctor complaining about how many patients they have added for her today. Ten minutes pass by and the doctor walks in. I’m immediately asked if I’ve had any bleeding or cramping to which I answer no. She then proceeds to say, “Have they told you anything yet?” I respond no and she then lets out a small sigh and tells me ” The technician did not see a heartbeat during your ultrasound.” My heart immediately sunk, and I felt a lump in my throat as I was about to cry. The doctor said how sorry she was and that we would do another ultrasound to be sure. The doctor did the ultrasound and showed me how there was no heartbeat. The sac was also misshaped, and the baby was very small as it had stopped developing around 1-2 weeks prior. Seeing this I immediately began to sob and was heartbroken. The doctor gave me some time and then started to explain my options. Because it technically happened while I was less than 12 weeks, I had the option to take medication to pass the baby and tissue. This would happen at home and was less invasive. My second option was to have a D&C. This would be an actual surgery where they go in and remove the tissue from inside your uterus.
Dealing with grief
Looking back, I wish I would have given my body a little more time to see if I could have passed it on my own, but I was told there was such a high risk of infection, like immediately, that I had to pick an option right away. I asked questions about each procedure and had decided ultimately that I wanted to go the less invasive, medication route. I knew I wanted to discuss it with Mike first and asked if I could go home before making a final decision. I left the doctor’s office holding back tears and drove home. Mike had the day off and he was already home upstairs working on the computer. As soon as I came home, Mike came down to ask me about the appointment. I saw him and immediately burst into tears and told him we lost the baby. He hugged me close, and I just cried and cried. We made our way over the couch and sat in silence as we were both processing the news. I talked to him about what happened next, and he agreed with my decision to do the medication. We then called the doctor’s office and scheduled for me to come in the next day.
I am glad we had not told too many people at this point, but I wanted to let our families know what was going on. I called my parents first and they were nothing but supportive and immediately asked how they could help. My mom ended up letting a few other family members know so I did not have to do it. Mike and I then went and grabbed a guilty pleasure of mine, spicy chicken sandwiches and fries, and headed to the beach. We sat in the car, enjoyed our food, and watched the sunset and waves. After some time at the beach, we came home and watched a funny movie to distract ourselves.
The next day we headed to the doctor’s office. Mike still could not actually go in the room with me and had to wait in the waiting area. I was given a pill and had to take it in front of the nurse. I was then told I will experience some period cramps and bleedings over the next 24-48 hours and warning signs to watch out for. We then went to get the second dose which is taken at home. The pharmacist said the same thing to me, and I was on my way.
We headed home and I got in comfy clothes and tried to relax. My mom ended up coming over along with my sisters and dad. They brought all of my favorite snacks and tried to make me laugh and comfort me as much as possible. A few hours had passed, and I hadn’t felt anything. Then around dinner time, I started to feel extremely intense cramps every 10-15 minutes. I squeezed Mike’s hand through the pain and tried to enjoy dinner with my family. The cramps continued to get worse. That night was incredibly difficult as the cramps kept getting progressively stronger. It got to the point where they got very close together and became almost unbearable. I was told light to normal period cramps, so I was completely unprepared for this. It was incredibly frightening and not knowing what to expect or what was happening made it even more difficult.
I made it through a very rough night and thankfully had no complications over the next week. The experience was physically exhausting for a few days and was mentally exhausting for much longer. Mike was incredibly supportive and did the best he could to make me feel better. After all, he was hurting too. It was a very dark time, a time where I felt lost and wanted answers. And there really weren’t any answers. There was no answer or explanation as to why I had a missed miscarriage. I was told that it was very common, and it just happens. While that may be comforting to some, it was not to me. I felt like something was wrong or I had done something wrong.
The experience reminded me that we don’t have control over everything and sometimes things happen without an apparent explanation. My faith grew through this experience and prayer really helped guide me through this difficult time. It took me a while to be happier and accept what happened, but Mike and I made it through. We knew we wanted to try again as soon as my cycles started again. Unfortunately, after what happened my cycles became slightly irregular. I reached out to my doctor and had some blood work done to be sure everything was back to normal. This time, I made sure they checked several hormone levels as well as Vitamin D, which they did not do before. I ended up being in range for everything except vitamin D. I started that supplement right away and had continued taking my prenatal vitamins and had started taking Cod Liver Oil as well. A few months passed by, I was not pregnant, and my cycles were still slightly off. I had a phone appointment with my doctor where she said I could see a fertility specialist. That was not the answer I was really looking for as I knew they would just push a bunch of medications on me. Something I did not want. She also set up an ultrasound to make sure everything looked okay. Two weeks later, I tested a day before my period and to my surprise, I was pregnant again!
A glimmer of light and hope
I felt a sense of relief, excitement, joy, and also fear. I waited until the next day and did a second test to be sure and it was positive again. Mike was home and I ran to him with the positive test. We hugged and kissed and became excited once more. This time, I knew for certain I did not want to go through Kaiser and wanted to do things much differently. I had done a lot of reading and thought it would be best to go through a birth center/midwife. I had already started researching and found one relatively close. When I was around six weeks pregnant, we went and toured the birth center and really liked what we saw. I scheduled my first appointment with them for around 10 weeks.
This time we kept the exciting news to ourselves for a while. Which was a little difficult as I was pregnant for my sister’s bachelorette party and wedding and only my husband and I knew! I was so exhausted during her wedding, first trimester problems, and then nauseous at dinner after the wedding. I shrugged it off as having a regular upset stomach.
My 10-week appointment was SO different from what I had previously experienced at Kaiser. First of all, the appointment was an hour, we weren’t rushed, and the midwife was so kind and understanding. We went over so many things, Mike was able to be with me at the appointment and all of our questions were answered, without any criticism or judgment. Such a breath of fresh air! It isn’t as invasive as Kaiser, so I wasn’t bombarded with unnecessary tests and procedures which was nice. They also were incredibly understanding of my previous experience, were very supportive, and helped talk me through some grief I was still experiencing. It was difficult for me to let go and just let things happen with this pregnancy but ultimately, it is what got me through the first trimester.
At our 13-week appointment, we got to hear the heartbeat through a doppler, music to my ears! I was thrilled and felt a sense of relief after this appointment since we had made it this far. We decided now we would tell our closest family members. Everyone again was so excited for us, and it was such a relief to finally share the good news.
I am happy to write that I now am 35 weeks pregnant with our baby boy. What an amazing journey it has been, full of everything from fear and anxiety to happiness and gratefulness. Going through a birthing center has definitely helped me get through this and I wouldn’t have done it any other way. Mike and I are incredibly excited to become parents and can’t wait to see what the future holds with our son, his name yet to be determined!
Pregnancy is such a beautiful journey, and I am grateful that I get to experience it, regardless of how much nausea and discomfort I have felt! While miscarriage is common, it is often not discussed and still is somewhat of a taboo. I hope my story helped shed some light on something that can seem so dark. Remember, there is always light at the end of the tunnel, as cliche as that may sound, and have faith! You are strong and can get through anything.
